Hello girlies
Happy Tuesday!
I’m very annoyed at myself for having to post a downer on you all, but I just need to talk about my day yesterday and all these emotions & thoughts it brought up. Feel free to skip past the first few paragraphs.
Well, as you may have guessed by my post title, my day got off to a less than flying start shall we say. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom for my morning shower and woke up half an hour later on the bathroom floor with blood all over my face. I vaguely remember going dizzy and seeing black, but this happens so often now I generally just ignore it. As soon as I came conscious I burst into tears partly because I was in a lot of pain but also because I was in shock. Luckily my sister has an annoying habit of leaving the phone in the bathroom, so I could call my mum at work without having to get up and she raced home and took me to hospital.
After waiting for bloody ages I was seen to by a rather abrupt young nurse who’s first question was “do you like, have an eating disorder or something?” (imagine how awkward she would have felt if I didn’t?!) who then proceeded to do all the usual checks blah blah blah… surprise surprise, b/p and blood sugars were really low. The nurse kind of faffed around a bit and eventually called dr clooney the emergency doctor to come and examine me (I wasn’t comlaining haha). Realising that I hadn’t eaten all day and it was now almost 12.30, he ordered me the biggest tray of food you can imagine! He said he wasn’t sure what I would like so just ordered several of everything that the canteen offered. It wasn’t as glamorous as darling Audrey…

…and I certainly didn’t look as elegant considering I still had blood smeared everywhere! but after 3 slices of nutella on toast I was a much happier bunny
Anyway, after being stitched up and stapled back together again (I cracked my head open in 2 places… humpty dumpty anyone?!) I got to come home and spent the rest of the day in bed.
Now, this definitely isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of accident; while I was restricting I used to pass out every month or so, and in the early stages of recovery I had a few incidents like this, but somehow I’m more worried about it now. I’m in recovery, I thought I was past all of this. My health should be getting better, but in the past few weeks I’ve been getting more and more of the “anorexic” symptoms back – awful circulation/feeling the cold, not being able to sleep at night for more than an hour or two, feeling exhausted at the end of the day, my mind being preoccupied by thoughts of food and calories again, edema in my legs at night… the list goes one. And its scaring me. I feel like I’m going backwards and all my hard work has been a waste
I don’t know what to do. I admit my intake has probably slipped slightly in the past few weeks but only by 200 calories tops, not by anything substantial enough to cause these side effects to return. And its not like I’m losing weight on my intake – I maintined. Ed is telling me that I may as well go back to full blown restricting again seeing as I’m experiencing all this stuff anyway. I feel hopeless. Like I can’t get anything right anymore.
Anyway, like I said I’m really sorry to post all that negetive stuff, I just needed to right it all out somewhere and get it out my system. On to happier things? Yes I think so
Despite my crappy day, there were some things that made me smile yesterday…

First of all, my poppies have opened! They looked so pretty yesterday against the gorgeous blue sky
This mornings breakie…

Summer berry Swiss Oats: Oats soaked overnight in soy milk, vanilla and a bit of plain yogurt, then added partially defrosted frozen berries and grated apple in the morning. I definitely missed having oats for breakfast yesterday!
This morning’s snack was also photo-worthy…

My first Green Monster Smoothie! I made it using organic soy milk, a frozen narna, a splash of vanilla and of course a massive handful of spinach! If you haven’t tried one of these badboys yet I urge you to… you won’t be disappointed!
Oh and for those who asked about my larabar recipe, here it is…
(makes 2 bars)
- 50 grams dates,
- 35 grams pistachios/cashews/almonds
- 15 grams oats… yeah, I know, its kinda cheating but it makes the bar stick together more! plus added fibre
- First put the nuts and oats in the food processor and blitz until its all in fine pieces with the odd chunk here and there.
- Then do the same with the dates (depending on the type you use, you might need to add some water to help pure them if they’re really dry) until they go all mushy.
- Mix the wet and dry ingrediants together and kneed into a big ball of dough.
- Split the dough in half and squish into 2 bar shapes, and tightly wrap each bar in cling film.
- Leave to set in the fridge for at least a day before eating.
- Enjoy!
Well my loves, I’m off to make some luncheon. I don’t have many plans for today – its been raining all morning which sucks, but I might take the opportunity to get a load of therapy homework done. Hmm… I hope you all have a more exciting day than me!
Much love as always!
xoxo